WE ALL LOVE MOMMY AS MUCH

Taking care of our mothers when they have aged comes naturally to us, especially when we were basking in their love and attention when we were little. That said, different people have different ways and ideas on how such care should be given.

As in the case of the Gan family, while the children all proclaimed their love for their mother and their willingness to play a part in taking care of her, their big question was, “how”?

Money was not an issue in Madam Gan’s case. Thanks to the money left to her by her late son, the family was able to meet the financial needs to take care of Madam Gan when the old lady was afflicted with dementia six months before. However, a problem arose when Kian Teck, the eldest son, insisted that Madam Gan be housed at one of their homes permanently instead of being moved around among the siblings. The five other siblings were united in disagreement to Kian Teck’s suggestion – each shared the love for their mother and wanted as much to play a part in looking after her as any other sibling. A 3-month stint with each sibling would perhaps be a good and fair arrangement.

Unable to reach an agreement among themselves, they agreed that mediation would be useful to help them come up with an arrangement acceptable to all. While each sibling was happy to play their part in taking care of Madam Gan, they each had their own constraints and family commitments which rendered the idea of housing Madam Gan permanently with any one of them unrealistic. Instead, a schedule rotating such a responsibility among all of them seemed to be the best arrangement and this would also prevent any sibling from “monopolising” their mother.

The mediators saw that all of Madam Gan’s children had a common goal in mind - to provide the best for their mum. As such, they worked with the siblings to bring their focus to this common goal and to generate possible solutions toward this goal. During the discussion, it was understood that the siblings had much earlier consulted a doctor on the issue. The advice given by the doctor was for Madam Gan to be housed permanently at one location as that would be less unsettling for her, as compared to moving her to new surroundings every three months. This piece of information which was based upon the objective opinion of a doctor turned out to be an important factor that helped the siblings arrive at their decision.

The final decision, mutually accepted by all, was for Madam Gan to stay at the house of one of the sisters, who was a full-time housewife. To help this sister out, all would share the cost of engaging a maid to assist in looking after Madam Gan, who would now have a permanent home where she can be best taken care of.

[Names and other identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals whose stories are portrayed in this article.]