SOMETIMES, YOU CAN HELP MORE BY STAYING OUT

It is not unusual for friends and relatives of parties to a dispute to be present to offer them support and assistance during a mediation. Depending on the personalities involved, this may help in the quest for a resolution, or it can do the opposite and hinder one. Friends and relatives who are too eager to take sides might disrupt the process of negotiation and worsen the problem instead of helping to solve it.

Chio Tee’s problem with her neighbour, Krishna, was never that serious to begin with. Krishna had started conducting certain religious rituals since the passing on of his wife. Chio Tee could understand the need for Krishna to engage in activities which were associated to his religion. However, she wished for the sound of chanting to be reduced and that something could be done about the smoke emitted by the joss sticks stuck into his flowerpots and the oil lamps at the front of his door. In addition to that, Chio Tee was concerned about the security of her surroundings since she noticed that many visitors, who were strangers to the neighbourhood, had been coming to Krishna’s place since he started his religious rituals.

When the mediation took place, Chio Tee was accompanied by her son, Alson, while Krishna came with his niece, Rathi. With Chio Tee only able to speak Mandarin and Cantonese, while Krishna and his niece spoke mostly English, the mediation had to be conducted with a mixture of English, Mandarin and Cantonese. It was quickly noted that the companions brought along by both parties were actually more vocal and aggressive than the two persons directly involved in the dispute, with each of them happy to offer a rebuttal whenever the other party raised a point. For example, Rathi countered Chio Tee’s complaints by highlighting her equally “offensive” habits, such as boiling soup along the corridor and playing mahjong regularly and noisily.

The mediators noted that instead of helping with achieving a resolution, these third parties seemed to be escalating the conflict between the main parties involved. Seeing that their participation had been counter-productive to the progress of the mediation, the mediators reminded and highlighted to these parties that while it was understandable that they wanted to fight for the rights of their own kin, they should be more objective in viewing the issues at hand. The mediators further advised that if they really cared for Chio Tee and Krishna respectively, they should each be helping them come up with possible and mutually beneficial solutions instead of making matters worse.

With that gentle reminder, the third parties began to reflect on their own contributions to the dispute and ultimately, it was Chio Tee and Krishna who together came up with a resolution to their own dispute. The session concluded with Krishna agreeing to stop sticking joss sticks into his flower pots and reduce the number of jossticks and oil lamps used in his rituals. Chio Tee appreciated this since after all, it was the smoke and smell that bothered her more than anything else. Chio Tee also assured Krisha that she would reduce the noise from her mahjong sessions, which was only held occasionally.

Wanting to side with a friend or relative is only natural. However, you should do so in the right way if you want tobe of any help to them.

[Names and other identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals whose stories are portrayed in this article.]